Potato Of The Day Episode 9

I can already hear you thinking it.  Oh great, another sweet potato post. YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M SORRY BUT YES, THIS IS ANOTHER SWEET POTATO POST.  It’s just every time I see a sweet potato they’re trying to be something they’re not.  Sweet potatoes are some deceitful bastards. They’re not golden.  They’re not bananas.  And they’re certainly not organic.

Whaaaaat? You ask incredulously.  But Ben, they have stickers on them labeling them as organic.  Can’t you read, Ben?  How can you argue against the authoritative display that is a sticker?  Things get labeled, and once they’re labeled, they stay those things.  Duh.  NO, NOT DUH.  That’s backwards ass wrong.  Just because you label something, doesn’t mean the label is accurate.

Take these sweet potatoes.  That sticker means NOTHING.  You know how I know?  Because I took a conventional sweet potato, added it to the pile, and put one of those stickers on it.  Can you identify which one it is?  No, you can’t you dirty liar, because I’m also a dirty liar who didn’t actually do that.  But I could have.  I could have labeled any old sweet potato as an organic sweet potato and you would have believed that label.  Don’t trust labels.

The real reason I know that sweet potato isn’t organic is because of the label itself.  I used to work in a grocery co-op that took organic produce very, very seriously.  We’re talking life or death levels of gravity here.  I had to take something like seventy thousand hours of training on organic produce, and the number one thing they emphasized was this: If the organic produce touches something that’s not organic, the produce itself is no longer organic.  So you see that little label on those potatoes?  That label isn’t organic.  And it means the potato isn’t organic.  Labeling things makes us liars.  Don’t label things.

TBT: Timbaland – “Apologize” (Ft. One Republic, SOMEHOW)

Couple Things:

1. Shouldn’t this be FEATURING TIMBALAND? I never got that kind of track-listing. It’s like all those DJ Khaled summer-anthems that were somehow “featuring” T-Pain, Drake, or whoever the hook-maestro of that month is. Timbaland only produces this. NOTHING ELSE. With this logic, should Thriller be Quincy Jones (FEATURING MICHAEL JACKSON)?

2. Is One Republic still poppin’ outchere, or did the fans go One Direction?

3. Ben, that couple sent YOU an invite. Out of all the people they could have wasted a timeless forever stamp on, they sent it to YOU. At the very least, send them a damn Thank You Card, YOU NEANDERTHAL.  The invite to this digital pity-party of yours? I’ll “Decline with Regret”, because its… far past the time to say sorry (there’s gotta be a better way to say that).

Watch Cat Caught Barking Quickly Switch To Meowing

I saw a sign once somewhere that read “BEWARE OF DOG, the Cat is shady af also“.  Folks, that warning should be posted on the minds of every man, woman, and child. We can no longer afford to consider these “isolated incidences” of “unfair discrimination” against bad apples in the animal kingdom. We can’t continue making excuses for them as “alley cats” who were raised without a litter-box to piss in, so they picked up bad habits along the stray way. Delusional pet-lovers and the Animal Planet crowd would like you to believe they’ll change once you slide them a plate of milk. But they won’t! Next they’ll be wrangling your hard-earned yarn, and convincing Catzis like Dr. Brunt overheard here to give them free Vet-Care for every hairball they inflict upon themselves!

Like last week’s pheasant, this cat phucked up! We now know cats can assume fake identities, ON PURPOSE.  Think about that. How could you trust that cat on your lap after watching that disturbing footage? How could you let your children pet it? What does that say about you?

Animals are all still clumsy, but not for long. It won’t happen overnight, folks. But, with cats like these roaming the window seals, you can be damn sure the cat-led animal uprising is no longer some distant nightmare. It’s as real as the claws hiding in those pussy paws. Take your couches back, people!

Ben’s Diary: I Just Realized I Forgot To RSVP To A Wedding In 2009 And I’m Not Going To Do Anything About It

Dear Diary,

I just realized I forgot to RSVP to a wedding. In 2009. I’m not going to do anything about it.

I can’t do anything about it. It’s like way, way, way too late. Sometimes life tosses you moments where all you can do is go, “Whelp, I’m a dick.” Not responding to a wedding invitation is very uncool, me. It’s probably even worse than that time I didn’t write any thank you cards after my high school graduation party. On the other hand, it’s probably not as bad as that time

Morning Commute: “Fool Me Too” – Emile Haynie