Top 5 Terrible Sounding Movies With Potential

Ben’s on vacation so we enlisted the help of our former radio intern friend, Leland, to help preview some summer movies that might or might not suck.

I love movies. I went to school for movies, I actually spend money to go OUT and see movies, and I love to critique them. I’m not going to create a podcast about how much I love movies like Doug. I’m also not going to give myself cancer from years of choosing what to do with my thumbs after movies like Roger. I am simply going to go see movies and hopefully enjoy them. And probably not invite Siya.

For this reason, my favorite movie season is during the summer where the popcorn is a plenty and the mindless action is front and center. No laughably pretentious indie films (The name of Zach Braff’s artistic ability called Wish I Was Here), no putting-your-fingers-under-your-friend’s-nose-after-getting-lucky-styled-Oscar-bait (Sorry Birdman, I was happy to see you pretend not to edit at home), and no studio produced, between season, face-farting (Fuck you, Chappie. I liked District 9, too).

Like most other blogs and websites leading into the summer season, I could give you a list of films that I CAN’T WAIT FOR. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON! MAD MAX: FURY ROAD! JURASSIC WORLD! TOMORROWLAND! INSIDE OUT! ANT-MAN! Maybe even FANTASTIC FOUR…Oh fuck, that didn’t take long at all. I could go over these films in more detail but that’s boring, you’re probably going to go see them anyway. Instead I’m going to go over my “TOP FIVE TERRIBLE SOUNDING (BUT POTENTIALLY INTERESTING) SUMMER MOVIES!” and hopefully you’ll find one that tickles your fancy.
[Ben’s note: Also I’m going to pop in from time to time and say some shit because this is my blog and I’m bad at vacationing. PLOT TWIST.]

1. Maggie (May 8), starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin aka the terrible dancing girl in Little Miss Sunshine. Directed by Henry Hobson, Written by John Scott.

I’m writing this entire preview before Maggie comes out, but by the time it’s on the blog, Maggie will be in theaters. Ignore everything I’ve written here if word comes out it sucks. I may have just made fun of independent movies but this one seems way too beyond amazing to pass up. Arnie is a father in the Midwest whose daughter becomes infected by a zombie virus. Instead of going Rambo (Oh, I mean going Predator? How about going Last Action Hero?) on some zombie asses, the former World’s Strongest Man decides instead to stay with his dying and (un)dead daughter and go on an introspective journey to think about the world and where he fits into it. HE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACT PEOPLE!

[Ben’s Note: Dude. Don’t subversively mock Arnold. Bro has mad range. Case in point: Look how different his characters are in Jingle All the Way and Kindergarten Cop. Wait, don’t ignore your editor!]

2. San Andreas (May 29), starring Dwayne “The Weak-Kneed” Johnson and Alexandra Daddario aka the large breasted girl from True Detective (Sorry if that’s insensitive, blame Nic Pizzolatto for being terrible at writing female characters). Directed by Brad Peyton, Written by Carlton Cuse.

This movie is starting to pick up steam since the real life earthquake that happened in Nepal, to the point that they had to change their marketing strategy. Honestly, I had no idea about this movie before the earthquake and massive increase in trailers recently. They definitely lucked out and got some pretty horrific (and beneficial) free press. Hopefully audiences around the world feel bad enough after watching 2012: Part Deux: THE ROCK VS. MOTHER NATURE to donate more money to help people in Nepal and stop using it to petition John Cusack from making any more movies. YOU KNOW YOU WERE MAD THAT HE WASN’T IN THE SEQUEL TO HOT TUB TIME MACHINE! [Ben’s note: You saw the sequel to Hot Tube Time Machine? I… why?]

3. Entourage (June 3), starring…fuck it. You know EXACTLY who is going to be in this movie…plus Kid Cudi…and the dozens of cameos to fill space because Doug Ellin is kind of a terrible writer…Written and Directed by Doug Ellin.

Do I even need to get into it bros and lady-bros? This could be Season 1 of Entourage or it could be Season 8 of Entourage. [Ben’s note: All seasons of Entourage are great because all seasons of Entourage are a gift from above.] Either way, you know exactly where you should be on June 3^rd. Kicking back, wondering how Turtle has managed AN ACTUALLY STABLE FILM CAREER. Despite my Jerry Ferrara-induced insecurities, this movie is probably going to be terrible [Ben’s note: You misspelled “a masterpiece of cinema, historic in both scope and achievement”.] but it’ll still be fun to watch Ari yell at some people.  [Ben’s note: You may have missed the founding principles of this blog, so I’m going to let it slide, but you didn’t ONCE reference how fucking HYPED you are for this shit. If I was grading this paragraph, it’s getting an E. Because E is worthless, but doesn’t fail.]

4. Tangerine (July 10), starring Kitana Kiki Rodriguez, Mya Taylor and Karren Karagulian. Directed by Sean Baker. Written by Sean Baker and Chris Bergoch.

Of all the movies coming out this summer, this one by far has the most interesting technical premise that could also end up making it terrible. It’s about the journey of two transgender sex workers (played by actual transgender actors) looking for an unfaithful pimp. Shot entirely with an iPhone. AN IPHONE. Director Sean Baker uses an anamorphic lens adapter on the phone which makes it kind of hard to tell that it’s not an actual camera, but still, HE USED AN IPHONE TO SHOOT AN ENTIRE MOVIE. Hopefully the rest of the movie will be as interesting.

[Ben’s note: This should have been released straight to digital as a Snap Story. That’s the future, man. Either way, I’M IN. You guys know how much I love my iFuns.]

[Siya’s note: A phuckin snap-story, Ben? Between that and this blog’s name you’re just full of the most asinine turds gems, aintcha buddy?]

5. Straight Outta Compton (August 14) starring O’Shea Jackson Jr., Jason Mitchel, Corey Hawkins and Paul Giamatti’s Wig. Directed by F. Gary Gray, Written by Andrea Berloff and Jonathan Herman.

By August, the summer movie season is almost over, giving way to one last flurry of movies. So instead of seeing the new Mission Impossible, I’d recommend seeing how much Hollywood fucks up another hip hop history lesson. I actually think this is potentially a very dynamic story, with some heavy hitters behind the scenes. But if the Notorious B.I.G. movie was any indication as to how Hollywood is going to examine hip hop in the 90s, count me out. With America frozen in a perpetual circle of misunderstanding and distrust between the media, police officers and AN ENTIRE RACE OF PEOPLE, an actually well-made and thoughtful examination of racial politics through hip hop in the 90s could be very timely and insightful. [Ben’s note: It’s too bad we don’t have a black voice on this blog to chime in on this, because I really do think you brought up a fascinating idea there. Oh, hi Siya! Yeah, nope no one asked about you. Actually, we were just leaving…  No, no it’s cool. We’re just going to the movies. Yeah, no, sorry it’s uh… sold out. Really. You can’t come.]

[Siya’s Note: I don’t need you! I have way better friends who I see movies with all the time by myself on matinee Tuesdays!]