Morning Commute: “NoLo” – Grace Mitchell

Humpday Hymn: Will Smith – “Switch”

We know you thought of him mainly as Jaden Smith’s dad. That he is, and lucky to be. But, before the underrated masterpiece that was “After Earth”, Mike Lowry was breakin em off Big Willie Style.  What’s that? Hand claps? Got it, Hymn time it is, Jaden’s dad!

Potato Of The Day Episode 96

Sorry if I’m a little subdued today guys, but this morning I suffered a little trauma. Some dude hit my Roma tomatoes. Yeah, I know. It’s just not right. I’m still recovering, still a little sore over the whole ordeal. Frankly, right when it happened, I wanted to puke. But I didn’t. I’m a man. Have to stay strong in the face of adversity and all that, you know? So I just knelt down and held those hurting Romas in my hand, and I nurtured them. And then I tried to go about my day, but dude, that Roma hurt is still there.

What kind of man hits another man’s Romas? That’s sacred fruit we’re talking about! You don’t do that. It’s not cool. No, it’s not. Romas are precious. They should be treated like the fragile Faberge eggs that they are, protected and guarded like family jewels. Because really, they need our protection, and our consensual agreement not to attack them. They’re helpless! You don’t attack the garden area, man. That’s gotta be in the Geneva Conventions. Someone please look that up for me. I would, but, I’m so hurt, I can’t bear the thought of standing. I’m drowning in a pool of deeply emotional physical pain, you know?

Can you picture how hard it would be to be a Roma? To live that life? The same thing, day in, day out, unless your world is ripped apart by a sudden and unexpected attack. Sure, there’s minor variance in the Roma world, they come in different shapes and sizes, varying in color and hue, some wrinkling, some smooth, some filled with way more juice than others, but in the end, they’re all biologically the same. They’re all Romas! They all get by with nothing more than a thin layer of skin covering their seed. They all bruise. They all dangle just below the vine.

I can’t stop thinking about all those other poor Roma tomatoes suffering rampant abuse in the world. It might be accidental, a little love tap. It might be intentional, a deliberate kick. But either way, it’s all pain. There’s nothing good that comes from Roma hurt. You know what happens when you get hurt, like a real nasty, cut or scratch? You have to sterilize the wound. Well the same is true for your Romas. If they get hurt badly enough, they get sterilized. We can’t have that. It’s bad for their species. It’s bad for our species. Protect the Roma tomatoes, dude. It’s the right thing to do.

NOBODY Loves Avocados Likes This “Grateful” Kid… NOBODY

1st of all, let’s get one thing straight. NOBODY likes avocados THAT much. We put up with them, for the guacamole. That’s really about it. Ben pointed out with a Potato Of The Day 47 how Big Avocado is hard at work in the slimy, disgusting business. The ruse clearly got to THIS toddler. Here’s several reasons why I call B.S. 😉 on this reaction:

a)Kids are anti-veggies AS IS. Don’t believe me? Please, tell me how you would pitch AVOCADO to a kid. Where do you start? Is it the great bland taste? The slimey green nothingness? Hm?

ii) It’s the kid’s BIRTHDAY. Remember those? They came once a year, and the whole world would stop to recognize your existence at least for a song, and until you had no more cake to feed the fake excitement? Despite all the hoopla, it’s fair to expect a TREAT to your desires on that one day. Anything ranging from a toy car, trip to Chuck-E-Cheese (IN THE BAHAMAS), or maybe a U.S. Green Card would be acceptable. But, AN AVOCADO? GTFOH!

3) That kid’s either a future Academy Award winning actor, or he is an informed idiot.  He clearly passed the “gratitude test” (which, btw WTF kinda draconian parenting trick was that, DAD OF THE YEAR?). More notably, the kid’s 5 TOPS… WHY and HOW does he know what an avocado IS? AT WHAT POINT in his life so far has anyone brought him THAT useless piece of information? Watch the video and judge for yourselves.

Morning Commute: “Animal” – Prof

Turnip Tribute: Aaliyah – “We Need A Resolution” (Ft. Timbaland)

Today marks the 14th Anniversary of a career cut FAR TOO SHORT. If you love to get “2 On” like Tinashe, hit that “1,2 Step” with Ciara, or are all about that “Single Ladies” classic (YEA, I SAID IT, BEY-HIVE. You don’t scare me) – you’re watching shadows of Ms. Hughton. Long before any of these one-name-superstars were poppin, Baby-girl was the gold-standard of finesse, feminism, and swagga that outmatched anyone in the room. Out of all the above comparisons, the best replica that can remind you of everything that Aaliyah was to music, pop culture, and a young fresh uncompromising swag is who Rihanna has grown into being.  For this turn up, her musical guide and mentor Timbaland lays the background for her to paint a perfect audio-visual picture on this ultimatum anthem.

Potato Of The Day Episode 95

Hey guys, your momma’s so fat, the grocer sold her as a plantain! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh what’s the matter bananas, you feeling a little red? You know, because your skin’s pigmentation and whatnot! #BURN. Just like your sunburnt looking ass! GOTCHA AGAIN! So I heard that red bananas have a slight mango flavor. You know who else has a slight mango flavor? YOUR MOM! Because she’s also a red banana, and human beings like me eat red bananas so therefore I’d know what she tastes like. HA! Get it? No? Gosh, you red bananas really aren’t enjoying this, huh? What gives? Seriously, why so angry guys? What are you, Bruce Bananer? Well two can play that game. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M HUNGRY! HAHAHA!

Oh hush, calm down guys, there’s no reason to get yourself in a bunch. #TOOLATE! #SICKBURNTHESEQUEL. I didn’t realize you guys had such thin peels! You know, instead of skin. That’s a sick play on words, banabros. Woah, woah, woah! Where are you guys going? Okay, okay, my bad! There’s no reason to split! HAAAAAAAAA! Sorry you guys, I just can’t help myself. Unless we’re talking about a profitable export from East Africa, in which case, I can’t help you because you’ve already been picked! Haa… wait, that one wasn’t very good. Kind of like you, am I ripe? HIGH FIVE THIS PLAYA! Oh wait, you can’t! Because your fruit is called a finger, not a hand!

Alright, alright, I know I’m not being fair. I need to give you a chance to return fire. So hit me with it red bananas, give me your sickest burn. ROAST ME!
…
Annnd… that would have been a great comeback for a SILENT film. You know, because you didn’t say anything? You know, because you don’t have mouths to make sounds with? You know, because silent films also didn’t have mouth sounds in them. HA! Man, am I on a roll today or what? Just like you when you’re covered in cream cheese! BOOM! Pastry recipe humor in the house! I like you guys. Really, I do! I think it’s all that potassium. Without it, you’d really be cramping my style! Oh boy, someone spray me down cause I’m on FIRE! Just don’t hose the bananas, that’s their skin, not flames! #TWOTHINGSTHATARERED

Okay, this has been fun guys, but I need to run. You’ve been great, a real top banana! For real guys, you don’t need to listen to anymore of my banana oil! I mean this has been a real banana skin for you! #SEQUENTIALBANANAIDIOMS Okay, maybe just one more! PENIS, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS. Ha! Well, that one could use some work. It was sort of low hanging fruit! I know, why don’t you go hang out in a banana hammock until I figure it out… HA! Get it? Because, penis. From before. Jokes. Ben out!

Are Head Tattoos What’s In? Like For Real, Breezy?

They say art imitates life.  Let “Take It To The Head” singer – Chris Brown – tell it, life can imitate art too. The hook to that song ends “no excuses, no apologies”, and neither can be present for his latest musing and artful expression. Here’s a video of him with his tattoo artist:

That’s right. He got the goddess of love, desire, and beauty straight to the head – no chaser. *sigh*… Well… that’s it. It’s there, now. So, he joins the ranks of other celebrity notables to canvas de los cabezas (that’s right, some Spanglish in there, for no reason. Word To Trump). Let’s rank our next “best” head tats in the game:

Remember that one time Cash Money Records’ Birdman let his “5 Star Stunna” album title get to his head?

But, of course Big Money Heavyweight Iron Mike was the originator of facial recognition:

Then Grammy and Oscar Winner, Jamie Foxx Felt left out:

But he needed to cool it, like the Trap God, Gucci Mane Le Flare:

This one is just to make you smile after seeing all those horrible life decisions, and killers of all LinkedIn profile pictures:

BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Morning Commute: “New Brave” – Ctznshp

Monday Mood: Popcaan – “Everything Nice”

This song is to soothe ya anxieties pon di week inna dem! Nevermind the fact that it’s a lazy video of a video shoot. 1st Day of School Problems?  ALL NICE!  Fear of a “Black Monday”? NOPE POPCAAAN!  Now, this was fine on its own until some genius on the youtube comments suggested watching the video in 1.25 times speed setting, and this suddenly takes a turn from Jamaican slow jam to a sprint to this week’s FACE! RUN IT.