Calm DOW: 2 Reasons To Ease Fear Of A “Black Monday”

Say it with me: “THIS IS NOT ANOTHER 2008 CRASH”. It is not even close. Natural bear markets are simply not the same as fundamentally and functionally flawed market practices that landed the World Economy in the worst crisis since the Great Depression. Lost Ya? Fine. Maybe Apple CEO Tim Cook, and Donald Trump can help (yea, comin in EARLY with the Donald mention this week – we know you missed it). Here’s a quick 1-2 punch at your unfounded fears of a “Black Monday” (big shout out to Chuck D, and Flavor Flav of course)

1. Understand CHINESE Economics:
   

America is currently the largest economy by far nominally (about $18 Trillion to #2 China’s $11).  But, that won’t be true for long. With China’s population sitting around 4 times the size of America’s (1.3 BILLION PEOPLE) and a middle class around the size of ALL  AMERICANS. Put simply, that’s about 350 Million people with more than enough money to survive and buy Nike shoes, and iPhones.  The more of these that are bought by this Chinese middle class, the more stock speculation money investors who bet on that happening worldwide get to cash in on. While, last week we found out that China isn’t growing as fast as your 401K and retirement fund managers might like – this isn’t the end of the world.  As more and more Chinese people move out of poverty into the middle class, China will become the world’s undisputed economic champion – at least for a while. This is inevitable. Managing the road there has proved a challenge for the centrally controlled mixed markets in Beijing, but we’ll get there sometime mid-century one way or another. So, when your favorite Presidential candidate says:

Markets are crashing – all caused by poor planning and allowing China and Asia to dictate the agenda. This could get very messy! Vote Trump.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 24, 2015

He maybe right about the planning part, but unless he’s gettin ready to quadriple America’s population and spending dollar real quick (watch out, ladies 😉 ), there’s nothing any coming President can do about this rising tide from the east – and really why would you want to?

SO BASICALLY: All speculation is not equal worldwide. China is figuring out how to act with new money. Give it some time, and stop betting on that economy to perform like America’s matured markets… (in bed)  

2. Slippery OIL Prices:

As China grows and slows (together with all other BRICS countries), they almost form the wake on which the next best markets surf on. So when that Boat slows down, the wake breaks, and fun times come to ugly splashes from all those dependent on sustainable (and more importantly STABLE) Chinese economic growth. Where there is growth, manufacturing plants need to be built and property needs to be bought to house them. That’s usually a result of more things needing to be made in the manufacturing sector for a population that has more income to buy more cars, iPhones, and chocolate, for instance.

Seeing as today’s main source of fuel for continued growth and keeping the economic engine greasy on that is oil, its easy to see how that drives presumed supply and demand. Oil “supply and demand”, however, is based on speculation… speculation that China would continue to grow and need more oil at some arbitrarily expected pace.  This means OPEC (oil monopoly) keeps up the million barrels a day rate of supply, while the real world only needs half that. When that China growth slows down, and they DON’T need as much oil as speculated – market oil prices reflect the lessening demand by pummeling the barrel price below $40.

SO BASICALLY: As the saying goes, “follow the money”. Nothing follows market monies as consistently as oil  and other commodity prices.  Far too often, oil prices follow the fast money (market speculation) so closely that they’ll happily walk into a wall with it, causing even more volatility. We’re producing more of something we don’t need more off. Good for your car fill up price, bad for your retirement plan.
This is a comment on how oil markets work, not on how well your GE, IBM, or Apple is doing. In fact, here’s part of an e-mail from Apple CEO Tim Cook sent to Finance jester, Jim Cramer just this morning:

I continue to believe that China represents an unprecedented opportunity over the long term as LTE penetration is very low and most importantly the growth of the middle class over the next several years will be huge

BREAKING: Apple's Cook on China to CNBC: Seeing strong growth in China through July, August. http://t.co/fu19OjcU3Xhttps://t.co/pFC2p5jnzj

— CNBC Now (@CNBCnow) August 24, 2015

There you have it! Having a cold, or even a week of pneumonia or mono is not a death sentence. It is manageable. You’ll be fine.
I talked to texted a few investor friends on trading floors across the country watching that fateful “DOW” that was trending twice on twitter this morning, and opened at a negative -1,000 points, and they all agree that after a 6-year bull-run (constant growth), a correction of real stock asset prices was inevitable. Instead of 4-5 million iPhones or Nike Sneakers, China will buy closer to 3 million. CALM DOW! #NoTypo

Potato Of The Day Episode 94

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting really sick of this creeping acorn squash season bullshit. I mean, come on. It’s not even September yet. Why the hell are acorn squashes on display? Can’t we let our kids finish going back to school before we put those out? Do we really need to just sweep all the bright red Delicious apples under the rug already? This is madness. NO ONE NEEDS AN ACORN SQUASH IN AUGUST. No one. No, shut up. You don’t need one. I know you don’t. You’re just being a dick.

Think about it. When was the last time you bought an acorn squash? Maybe, what, January? Exactly. Because it’s a fucking WINTER squash. Does it look like winter outside to you right now? If it does, ease off the LSD dude. You’re in too deep. There’s no logical explanation for a winter squash to be rocking the grocery store shelf in late August. The first day of FALL isn’t for another month. Sure, sure, call me a denialist all you want, but I don’t need to be rocking winter seasonal squash when we’re over an entire SEASON away from winter. THAT’S LUNACY!

And it’s not just acorn squash. It’s everything. Halloween candy is in stock now! Because who wouldn’t want to stock their cabinets full of high fructose corn syrup 67 days before they’ll need it? You’ll only be at the store, what, a dozen, a dozen and a half, more times before then! WHAT IF YOU FORGOT?!!!? (Okay, shush, don’t be person who brings up my paper towel problems. It’s not fair to use me against me.) And heaven forbid you don’t have your candy corn ready to rock before Labor Day. WHO COULD BEAR THAT FUCKING TRAVESTY?

This isn’t acorn squash’s fault. Acorn squash didn’t decide to put itself on display in August. In fact, acorn squash has never made a decision in its entire life. That’s because it’s squash, a decidedly non-sentient object. But you know who is sentient? You know who can think? You know who can make decisions? You. Yes, you can. Even you, LSD dude. So when you’re out grocery shopping this week, make the right choice. Don’t give in. Don’t buy an out of season acorn squash. Don’t be an enabler to the creep of acorn squash season. You’re better than that. We all are.

Five Tips For Surviving Your New School

Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.

Assert Yourself
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”

Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.

Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!

Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.

When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!

Morning Commute: “Where Is My Mind” – Pixies

FY Friday: Sade – “By Your Side” (Neptunes Remix)

Skateboard took this to a whole other level! That’s those classic Neptunes keys that got The Clipse the masterpiece that was Lord Willin. It’s those same chords from Jay’s Allure that closed The Black Album. Those same minors that Justified a N’Sync ending for the better good.  Here they are, NOW – justifying the end of the week FY FRIDAY.

Funny Friday: Why Coffee Matters, Like John Cena

Flashback Friday to this oldie-but-goldie of a prank call. If you don’t laugh even ONCE, I personally promise you $5.

Potato Of The Day Episode 93

Once upon a time, the White Button family had decided to go on vacation, a long road trip to do some sightseeing. They were all set, packed, and ready to go. Well, that is except for Little White Button, who was having a very difficult time deciding what to bring with in the car.

“But Pa, I need all my clothing,” said Little White Button.

“All your clothing?” asked Pa White Button.

“Yes! What if it gets cold, or hot, or it rains, or snows, or there’s wind, or I spill, or get uncomfortable, or need a disguise?” replied Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s clothing into the car, packing parkas and pants, swimsuits and sweaters, tights and Toadstool costumes, and on and on and on, until the closet was empty and there were no more clothes to pack.

“Are you ready to go now?” asked Pa White Button.

“No, no! I need my books! It’s a long trip. I’ll need to read,” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s books into the car, packing away Where the Wild Truffles Are, and Chanterelle’s Web, and Goodnight Morel, and on and on and on, until the bookshelves were bare and there were no more books to pack.

“Okay, are you all set now?” asked Pa White Button.

“Oh Pa, one more thing! I need my toys! What if I get bored, or lonely?” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s toys into the car, packing away stuffed bears and bobcats, and jackals and jaguars, and leopards and lions, and on and on and on, until the toy box was barren and there were no more of Little White Button’s collection of Harmless Stuffed Carnivores left to pack.

“Okay, that’s everything, Pa. I’m ready. Let’s go!” said Little White Button.

“Ah, I’m sorry Little White Button, but you’re not going anywhere,” replied Pa White Button.

“We’re not?” asked Little White Button.

“No, no. We, that is your mother and I, are going, but I’m afraid you’ll have to stay behind,” said Pa White Button.

“Why’s that, Pa?” asked Little White Button.

“Because with all your stuff in the car, I’m afraid there just isn’t mushroom left!” spouted Pa White Button.

And everyone laughed happily ever after! The end.

Morning Commute: “Up Up Up” – GIVERS

Throwback Thursday: Clipse – “Hot Damn” (Ft. Ab Liva, Pharrell, Roscoe P. Coldchain)

Today is the 12th anniversary of the Clipse debut, “Lord Willin”. With that, we celebrate the central single of the classic watchin the Thornton brothers poundin the VA pavement long before today’s rappers were runnin through the 6 with their woes. HOT DAMN – did they make that drug life sound fly…but responsibly cautious.

Watch How To Trap A BumbleBee And Take Cheap Shots At Your Team

I didn’t choose the blog life, the blog life chose me! This can be stressful – especially when your co-writer’s an English major grammar-Nazi:

But, as the saying goes “sticks and stones may break ya bones, but bumblebees will sting the $hit out of your double grammar-queen face”…How’s that, BEN? Does THAT pass your final edit!!! So, when you find your place of peaceful contemplation, and a perpetratin-ass-bumblebee is ALL up in ya… BeezNess, what do you do?

Well, we’re here for you, friendly readers. Here’s a Step by step plan of attack:
1. First pick a tool for the problem:

2. Okay, maybe the tool ain’t enough. It’s one thing to TRAP a bumblebee but, if you wanna walk away with your eyeballs in tact and stinger-free, you better pick a SMARTER tool… So retreat, and dodge like Mayweather:

3. Here we go. This one’s CLEAR. Why? So you can see the buzzing beast bounce around before he pounces at your head like a face-hugger from the Alien movies!

YEA…THATS WHY:

4. Trap him with a paper on top. It was windy out, so I used thin cardboard. This African is takin NO chances. He might hate you at this point, the Lil Bee might even wanna go kamikaze on your family, but when he sees you were setting him free. He’ll thank you:

That, or he’ll go get trapped in another screened porch like an idiot, meet his fate in the beak of a lucky bird becoming (wait for it) Buzzfeed, or use his legs in a flower orgy in the sweet sweet looove makin act of pollination. Bee easy, Pimpin!