Ben and Siya’s Top 5 List… OF LISTS!

Lists are dope. If only there was some simple and repeatable way to demonstrate this, an example a reader could easily follow and reference for later use…  Hmm, I’m sure we’ll think of something! There’s lots of reasons why you need nifty lists (especially to start your week, your fall, your football season, expansion of your content-fillers on your blog, or filling out your parenthesis game). But what exactly makes lists so great? Let’s make a list to demonstrate!

1. They help organize.
2. They break down larger concepts.
3. They’re easy to digest.

See, wasn’t that fun? You know what’s even more fun? Making a list of LISTS. So we did that! Together we’ve compiled the undisputed (heavily disputed) Top 5 List of Lists that impact your everyday life. Our rules were simple:

1. To qualify, an entry must be a list.
2. All lists must be practical and have every day usage.
3. The lists must be usable by you, the listmaker.

There were lots of lists that could have made our Top 5 List of Lists, but for one reason or another they just didn’t quite make the cut. So in their honor, here’s a few Honorable Mention Lists in a list:

The Terminator List
Very helpful if you’re an assassin cyborg from the future sent back in time to quash a human rebellion, but not so helpful if you’re just a normal dude.

Emergency Contact List
Technically doesn’t count because it’s not a list you use. It’s a list your employer digs out of your HR file when you choke on a donut during a meeting.

The Constitution
Again, great list, but it’s not a list you made, and we’ve got a lot of love for our international audience.

Your Will
A very practical list, but at the end of the day it’s just a compiling of where you want your shit to go when you’re dead. Not a very fun list!

NSA Watch List
Hello, we are good upstanding citizens who love The United States of America. Please don’t add us.

Schindler’s List
An incredible, heartbreaking film, but (hopefully) not a list humanity will ever need again.

Allergy Label List
Undoubtedly, an important list, but is it a TOP 5 list? We say no. Then again, we don’t go into anaphylactic shock anytime we accidentally consume a peanut.

The Magna Carta Holy Grail Track List
Not even a good album, TBH. But technically a list you could use. (Keyword: COULD.)

So here we are! You now know WHY lists are necessary. You also now know HOW lists are formed. You also now know WHAT does not constitute a necessary list, however noteworthy. That said, here’s the quintessential list of lists for your survival in business, health, and general human aliveness:

5.) The Bucket List* (*Ben Objects)
*[Ben’s Note: We’ll get to my objection later on, but long story short, I’m pretty sure this is just a subset of a different, more important type of list.]

This story looks familiar; black man (Morgan Freeman) explaining life-spanning concept only to be mocked by white friend (Jack Niklaws):

“Kicking the bucket” is an old English idiom for different routes to death. Whether it be because there was holy water in the bucket to splash you into the afterlife, or any other explanation, this is a list of things to be done before death. The ONLY paramater is ‘before death’. So… “climb Mt. McKinley Denali” BEFORE DEATH. Visit the Pyramids… not those pyramids, the other pyramids, BEFORE DEATH. Yes, there’s other pyramids, geez, you really need to live. Might we (just Siya) suggest a “Bucket List”?

4.) The Celebrity Exception List
As seen on Friends!

Fuck 3-5pm On Friday Afternoon

For real, fuck 3-5pm on Friday afternoon. Why does this chunk of time even exist? It’s an actual time prison, crushing down on your false delusions of freedom and hope. Oh hey, you see the weekend out there, so tantalizingly close? Just reach out and touch it. Oh wait, you can’t! Because it’s still the stupid fucking work week so you’re still chained to your stupid fucking desk for some stupid fucking reason. Fuck.

You know how much work has gotten done between 3-5pm on Friday afternoon (I’m talking CUBE work here, not the real work provided by heroes like doctors and plumbers and Happy Hour bartenders)? One. Now, you might say, “Ben, ‘one’ doesn’t seem like an applicable or complete answer to that proposed question. One of what?” To which I say, it’s fucking Friday afternoon between 3-5pm, so one of whatever, dude. One work unit. That’s all that has been done ever in the history of forever. In some dial-up, prehistoric sundial confirmed 3-5pm block of a Friday afternoon, one unit of work was accomplished once, by what I assume was a wide-eyed, newly hired, desperate-to-please intern before they looked up and realized everyone else in the office wasn’t doing jackshit, and abandoned that stupid idea forever. Yes, even misguided overachievers desperate to make a head first impact on the top rung of the corporate ladder don’t do shit on Friday afternoons from 3-5pm. SO WHY ARE WE HERE?

You know how I know work doesn’t get done between 3-5pm on a Friday afternoon? Because you’re reading a blog post titled Fuck 3-5pm On Friday Afternoon. You’re doing that right now. ON A FUCKING FRIDAY AFTERNOON. I was going to write my normal half-assed, week ending Potato Of The Day, but instead I was like yo, it’s Friday afternoon, why the fuck should I do anything? To which you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Truth.”

Anyway, I’ve got two hours til I can waterboard my liver with tequila. That’s nothing on a Monday. But on a Friday? That’s damn near impossible. It’s fucking torture by Friday cubicle. Yet, we always mange to endure that slow strangle of Friday afternoon time, finding trivial novelties to fulfill our meaningless Friday afternoon existences, don’t we? So let’s go do that. That thing that gets us by. I’ll probably go Snapchat some racially charged emojis or look at pictures of head tattoos or some shit. I don’t know. Hell, maybe I can kill eight whole minutes asking everyone for their weekend plans. Again. Fuck 3-5pm on Friday Afternoon. Fuck it long. And fuck it hard.

Five Tips For Surviving Your New School

Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.

Assert Yourself
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”

Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.

Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!

Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.

When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!

JR Smith And Analogies: A Chat That Goes Awry

-Begin Chat Transcription-

Ben
I spent all night brainstorming about JR Smith, but it looks like you already covered it. Normal grammar and capitalization caveats aside, that Cav’s celebration post was a dope format. I give it two JR Smiths out of ten lampshades.  That’s mathematically off the party charts.

Siya
Clearly… because JR Smith is a nuclear reactor.

Ben
Truth. JR Smith is to life as a bullet is to dessert.

This Is Our 100th Post But It’s Not A Good One

WE WENT ZERO TO ONE HUNDRED [REDACTED BY SIYA BECAUSE WE BOTH AGREE I SHOULDN’T BE USING THAT WORD EVEN THOUGH IN THIS INSTANCE IT WOULD BE A QUOTE AND MAYBE THAT’S ACCEPTABLE USAGE, BUT THEN AGAIN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY USE ANY QUOTATION MARKS SO IT’S NOT REALLY A QUOTE IT’S JUST ME CO-OPTING HIP HOP CULTURE WHICH IS ARGUABLY PROBLEMATIC IN AND OF ITSELF,  OR PERHAPS IT’S NOT IF I’M NOT MISREPRESENTING THE CULTURE, BUT EITHER WAY THIS WORD HAS BEEN REDACTED AND TALKING ABOUT RACE IS PRETTY FUCKING COMPLICATED] REAL QUICK.

Can you believe it? We’ve done 100 posts. WE’RE KEEPING IT ONE HUNDRED RIGHT NOW. Bask in our Benjamin Franklin, our centennial, our Billboard Chart. No one said we couldn’t do it! But no one said we could either! So this is an in-your-face to our haters the indifferent masses. We’re going to keep bringing you Potatoes Of The Day, and Ben’s Diaries, and Morning Commutes, and oh, hey there Siya, I was just talking about how we’re keeping it 100, and not all just promoting the regular posts that I write. No, no, Siya, you just keep doing what you’re doing, not posting anything on a regularly scheduled basis. Yeah man, it’s cool. People don’t want or expect consistency. Oh, yeah man that listicle post of Aaron Hernandez memes was… great.  Really, it was totally… high-brow. Oh, what’s that Siya, you think it’s a little unfair of me to be pretending to have a conversation with you? You think I could have consulted you first before posting something about our 100th post? You think maybe you could have contributed to this more if you were actually co-writing this piece instead of having your part ghost-written by me? WELL I THINK YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST SENT ME A HUNDRED CONGRATULATORY 100 EMOJIS FOR OUR 100TH POST YOU INSENSITIVE, CELEBRATION HATING ASS.

You guys, 100 posts. THAT’S A LOT MORE THAN ZERO. It’s also a lot less than a million. THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME SO EMOTIONAL THAT I’M GOING TO GO LISTEN TO SOME DRAKE.

Throwback Thursday: Watch The Old “It’s Not You It’s Me” Routine

There’s never a right way or time to say goodbye to a bad week, your school year or even sweet potato. Even if you spare their feelings, they’ll get mad you spared their feelings. So I guess that’s one way to do it, BEN!

Hey Everybody, Racial Emojis Are Here! Let’s Make Some Racially Charged Shit!

The big news in texting this past week was Apple releasing a bunch of racially diverse emojis.  About damn time, right? Now you can actually change an emoji to a black person without having to add the 100 sign.  I’m super pumped about this.  So let’s make some racially charged shit!

Finally we can reenact every white cop/black perp situation in America!

Asian drivers, right you guys?

Does this make you uncomfortable?  If so, you might be a racist!

Indians have gas so bad it will literally kill you!

Uh oh, looks like the Klan forgot their hoods!

I mean… too far?  Too far.

Whew, that’s better.  Just a black Santa scaring babies.  Nothing to see here.

 

Thought Experiment: What If Puff Daddy Was Really A Pufferfish?

-Begin Chat Transcription-

Ben
So it turns out Puff Daddy has an animated show in development, described as South Park in inner-city Detroit. Couple of things here, Siya.  1.) Comparing your show to South Park right out of the gate is recipe for cancellation.  2.) It still has to be better than Mike Tyson’s low-rent Scooby-Doo knockoff.  3.) I don’t really care about this. I just wanted to set-up a thought experiment with you. So dude, what if Puff Daddy was really a pufferfish?  THINK ABOUT IT!

Siya
First of all, if you’re gonna go there, the image should be a pufferfish, with Puffy’s face on it! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

Lorde’s Day

She did Yoga this morning,

After her mornin yawnin.

The week had her stressin,

So she got to stretchin. LORDE’S DAY

A Short Skit For Fans Of Entourage And Nelly

Ext. Hollywood- Daytime.

E walks down the street head buried into his phone.  Turning the corner, he physically bumps into superstar rapper Nelly.  Nelly has his trademark band-aid on his face.

Nelly
E!  I…

Nelly is interrupted by a car crash on the street behind them.

Nelly
Uh oh!  What’s happening now?!

End Scene.