World War Zoo: You Can’t Tell This Weiner Dog How To Live Its Life, Man

Siya and I have debated the definitely-not-happening animal uprising, World War Zoo, in this space many, many times before. But this may be the first time I’ve actually had to concede a point to Siya. He’s right: our pets are breaking free. But not to start a war with humans. No, that would be ridiculous and require organization and planning that our neocortex-less counterparts just aren’t capable of. Instead our furry friends are breaking free for the right reasons. Because they can, man. Because they can.

Look at that dog run! Look how free he looks! Look how HAPPY he is! You can’t tell him NOTHING. He’s gonna run the bases and ya’ll can just wait for him to be done running. Look at those little legs! Look at that tiny tongue! Look at that wild weiner! That’s a one pooch party. What’s up shortstop; you ain’t fielding this grounder! See ya, later security; can’t cuff this canine! Oh hey pet owner; can’t leash the beast! The PARTY beast!

They said it was to be a short race for a bunch of short dogs. But dude, you can’t tell tell that dog how to live its life. That dog’s decided for himself, thank you very much.

Watch How To Trap A BumbleBee And Take Cheap Shots At Your Team

I didn’t choose the blog life, the blog life chose me! This can be stressful – especially when your co-writer’s an English major grammar-Nazi:

But, as the saying goes “sticks and stones may break ya bones, but bumblebees will sting the $hit out of your double grammar-queen face”…How’s that, BEN? Does THAT pass your final edit!!! So, when you find your place of peaceful contemplation, and a perpetratin-ass-bumblebee is ALL up in ya… BeezNess, what do you do?

Well, we’re here for you, friendly readers. Here’s a Step by step plan of attack:
1. First pick a tool for the problem:

2. Okay, maybe the tool ain’t enough. It’s one thing to TRAP a bumblebee but, if you wanna walk away with your eyeballs in tact and stinger-free, you better pick a SMARTER tool… So retreat, and dodge like Mayweather:

3. Here we go. This one’s CLEAR. Why? So you can see the buzzing beast bounce around before he pounces at your head like a face-hugger from the Alien movies!

YEA…THATS WHY:

4. Trap him with a paper on top. It was windy out, so I used thin cardboard. This African is takin NO chances. He might hate you at this point, the Lil Bee might even wanna go kamikaze on your family, but when he sees you were setting him free. He’ll thank you:

That, or he’ll go get trapped in another screened porch like an idiot, meet his fate in the beak of a lucky bird becoming (wait for it) Buzzfeed, or use his legs in a flower orgy in the sweet sweet looove makin act of pollination. Bee easy, Pimpin!

Watch Fire Ants Party In Pants

Why? Just WHY? You KNOW what’s gonna happen!

It’s like the cinnamon challenge. Are you TRYING to be an ass? You can’t take a spoonful of cinnamon to the dome! Nobody can! You’re not above the laws of nature, and Mother Nature’s a b*tch! She will turn you into one, like this young fellow below:

Watch This Robot Cheetah Leap Closer To World War Zoo

Folks, it is on! This is bigger than me and some closeted feline-fearing enabler of the beasts. Folks, it’s been a running misconception that I FEAR the beasts. Au-Contrar, I’m ready for them! I’m ready to throw everything we’ve got at em, and I only hope to get YOU just as ready! New Zealander Colin Murdoch did his part with his invention.  Jane Goodall helped us keep our friends close and enemies closer, under the guise of “animal activism” 😉 . Nice going, Jane! Now we know more of their plans for a PLANET OF THE APES! And ofcourse, Siegried and Roy were betrayed when these cuddly cats couldn’t shed their… STRIPES!

“In a leap for robotic development, the MIT researchers who built a robotic cheetah have now trained it to see and jump over hurdles as it runs — making this the first four-legged robot to run and jump over obstacles autonomously”

So here we are at an impasse. We must co-exist with these animals as our entertainment, and show of good grace towards our “interest” in “diversity”, to soothe the tree-huggin nature-nazis and clueless bloggin denialists alike.  Our brightest minds at the Massachussettes Institute of Technology are getting us closer to being war ready for the inevitable World War Zoo! ABOUT TIME! By combining the best of our ingenuity in robotics, and using the cats own capabilities against them, we are tirelessly working to be leaps and bounds ahead of the BeastKrieg. Without further adieu, BEHOLD our jumping, sprinting, rumbutious robotic ally in the coming BeastKrieg:

P.s.

Google acquired Boston Dynamics, the company that made the first generation of these, a few months ago.  They also happen to be currently in cahoots with the military’s ultra-secret R&D wing, DARPA (US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). So before the War against the animals, they’ll be sure to test these out on HUMAN subjects. If you’re concerned how they’ll find some willing participants, don’t worry. As I mentioned above, this is a collaboration between information gate-keepers (Google), and information seekers (U.S. Government). They now know everything about all of us already.  So get ready for some exciting exercises on that end, because nothing could possible go wrong! 😀