EARTH – Rampant chaos and destruction prevails into the evening as the world’s first super villain has come forth. Bearing mystical and super powers, the would-be universal dictator has yet to make any demands, content in sadistic silence, spraying its reign of vegetative terror far and wide. Eye and nose witness accounts are flooding in from every continent. It appears the spiky-headed god has seized control. The human race’s doomsday clock is officially a nanosecond from midnight. Asparagus-Day has arrived.
The globe is awash with the smell of pungent piss as Asparagus continues its assault on humanity’s urinary system with a crippling wave of chemical warfare. While acknowledging they’re only able to speculate at this time, some top scientists believe the sulfuric mushroom cloud now rising up from every street grate, toilet bowl, and bidet will completely engulf the Northern Hemisphere by midnight. Government officials are advising the use of nostril pinching clothespins and scented candles to alleviate the symptoms of the biological attack. Reports are mixed as to the effectiveness of such treatment, though many citizens have taken it upon themselves to find alternative solutions, plugging nasal cavities with a plethora of paraphernalia, ranging from duct tape to chewing gum.
Other groups of citizens have risen in support of the self-appointed sulfur overlord, encouraging the consumption of Asparagus’ many bunched clones. Leaders of pro-Asparagus gangs claim the rotted urinary aroma is proof humanity is a blight on the Earth, and argue that radical population growth has brought this day onto itself. The roving gangs have taken to the streets armed with spears, not of physical warfare, but of digestive assault.
Yet still hope remains. Public resistance to the Asparagus attack has swelled, with guerrilla groups emerging from slaughterhouses and hatcheries intent on spreading the Gospel of Carnivore. They hold the belief that Asparagus’ reign of terror can be ended by eliminating the vegetable deity from daily diets. Others have found pockets of solace in denial, padding themselves with the belief that the chemical agent now known as Asparapiss quote, “doesn’t smell that bad.”
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