Ben’s Diary: I Wore Skinny Jeans For The First Time And Nothing Happened

Dear Diary,

This past weekend I wore skinny jeans for the first time and nothing happened.

To properly tell this story, we’re going to have to go back, way back, all the way to the BIG BANG.  And then fast forward a lot, really fast to get to like whenever skinny jeans became a thing again.  And I say again because skinny jeans were fucking huge in the 50s.  Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Gene Autry, some fictional dude named Cisco Kid, which aside in an aside, totally makes me want to hear the Thong Song remixed over a Cudder beat.  And if we’re being really historical in this bitch, skinny pants were like the dopest in the 1660s.  White wig wearing white men went fucking ape shit for their tight breeches, their tautness making it easier to run down would-be slaves.  Yes, I did some basic Wikipedia research on tight pants.  No, it’s not even close to the weirdest thing I researched yesterday.

Anyway, the Fiat of pants, I thought skinny jeans looked stupid as fuck when they were introduced to my life during their popularity boon of 20whenever.  I mainly had three issues with them: