4 Reasons To Be Excited 4 Colbert, The Greatest Night Show Host

“So, George Bush – GREAT president, or the GREATEST president?” In the golden years of the Colbert Report,”Stephen ” the conservative, loud-mouthed, self proclaimed “truth-feeler” often asked his exasperated guests to answer that one simple question after the 5 minute mental roller coaster of their professional lives.  Tonight, Stephen Colbert debuts to answer a more important question. Here are 4 reasons there is no wrong answer:

1.  Breaking up the JIMMopoly:
Okay, that was slightly terrible, almost as terribly plastic as the content and context has become on the late night tip. The Jimmies are having a field day with ratings, thanks in part to curation for viral video viewership (say that fast 3 times).

When Letterman announced his retirement, he conceded in that old curmudgeon swagger we mentioned on his tribute. In a subsequent Rolling Stone interview he affirmed “I hear about things going viral and I think, ‘How do you do that?’ I think I’m the blockage in the plumbing.”

To date, top Jimmy is pummeling bottom Jimmy so hard in that department, that he went and created another show on a whole other network, and THAT is the #1 Show on THAT network. It’s an entire show where celebrities are lip-syncing other singer’s songs. -_- (I mean REALLY!? What’re we doin here?).

Executive Producer of The Tonight Show, Lorne Michaels now has his hands in creating SNL, subsequently Jimmy Fallon, and now grandfathering America’s karaoke machine. NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT unfunny POWER!  Since Colbert Report ended, my 10:30PM (Central) has been basically Charlie Rose only – into Seth Myers, when I’m not too busy hosting sexy parties.  We shouldn’t have to choose between marginally funny, and topically informative and edgy late night. We can have both! We will, on the Late Show With Stephen Colbert

2. Jon Stewart is gone, Long Live Jon Stewart:

Thank New Daily Show Host Trevor Noah, If You’re 1 Of These 3 Americans!

It’s about TIME! Do you realize how many times I have heard you people speak and wanted to tear my hair out??? A lot, that’s how much! This is why I don’t have the dreadlocks I was destined to have.

{Ben’s Note: Woah, woah, woah! What the fuck do you mean “YOU PEOPLE”?}

Here’s a test. Read the following words out loud: “NIKE”… “AUNT”… “ZEBRA”. Easy, right?

If you’re one of these 3 people, you are “YOU PEOPLE”, and I hate you. Fix Yourself:

1. You read the sports apparel name as “ny-kee”. -_- Oh, you did? When did you learn to ride a “bi-kee”, huh? Think this will get a buncha “li-kees” when you share it with your dumb friends on facebook-ee? WELL, DO YA, PUNK-EE?

2. Your parent’s sister is actually a small disproportionately strong insect. She lives in an ant-hill, and serves the collective will of the colony. Why else would you pronounce her title like that?  You should be pronouncing it like the delicious pastry “croissANT”. On another note, French is idiotic too. Way dumber. Let’s just surrender that battle of pronunciation and hope Americans have a plan to help.

3. Ever met a chick named Debra? I bet you did, and thought “I’ll have NO problem pronouncing THAT girl’s name. Debra… Debra Debra Debra Debraaaaa”  Then, you were smacked in the head with a stupid stick, and when you saw this striped animal, your brain forgot how to pronounce her name, and that’s why you should thank my fellow South African, Trevor Noah for restoring your speech and pathology here:

Stephen Colbert Cheated John Oliver, Who Cheated Jon Stewart And The Troops

Remember that “ice bucket challenge” for ALS Awareness or somethin (I just remember the videos, not exactly sure what for anymore).  Well this is like that, except with 20 push-ups, FOR THE TROOPS… of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA and Freedom and Peace! Colbert was challenged by former colleague and Brit, John Oliver to take the challenge. Checkout his tricky response:

Oliver himself was challenged by their respective mentor and former boss, Jon Stewart. He seemed to be the only one to honor the challenge displaying unexpected fitness at his retirement age. Checkout both of their push-up sets below: