Potato Of The Day Episode 37

So here’s the thing about tomatoes, I don’t give a fistful of fucks if they’re a fruit or a vegetable. Their vegetation classification has no significant impact on my enjoyment of them. This eyeball shaped example here is a CHERRY tomato. Now, a cherry is definitely a fruit. Some would argue a tomato is a vegetable. Cherry tomatoes could be either and I don’t care because they’re dope and delicious, but, that being said, this one creeps me the fuck out because, before I bit it, I pretended it was an eyeball and that made me enjoy it more than the one I ate before this one. Shout out to run-on sentences.

I’m concerned that this tiny tomato has unleashed dormant cannibalistic desires in me. Like, if I’m keeping it straight up 100 between you and me and whoever else finds this using AOL Keyword “tomato bloodlust”, I’ve definitely thought about cannibalism before. Not in the oh-man-wouldn’t-it-be-great-to-devour-a-human-being sort of way, but more in the, well-my-plane just-went-down-on-this-deserted-island-and-I’ve-got-nothing-to-eat-but-rotisserie-corpses-for-dinner-tonight sort of way. I’ve always assumed I’d be a dark meat eater, ripping off a nice chunk of tibula/fibula drumstick. But now that I’ve felt the satisfying pop of an eyeball tomato in my mouth, now that I’ve felt that mouth-watering squish, I think I’d go for the eyes, nature’s little hidden candies.

Annnnnddddd now do you see what I’m talking about? I mean sure, I’ve been accessory to the murder of a potato before. But that’s just a potato. They’re born to be eaten! Having my demented mind thinking about human o’dourves is something completely different. That’s absolutely fucked. What’s wrong with me? Where did this all go wrong? I’ll tell you where. That cherry tomato.

I think I’ve settled the fruit/vegetable tomato debate once and for all. They’re neither. They’re little droplets of Satan tears, manifesting demented thoughts of human consumption into those who would consume them. You guys, whatever you do, don’t eat cherry tomatoes. They’ll turn you into Hannibal Lecter.

Potato Of The Day Episode 5

This is it.  The one you’ve always been expecting.  It was inevitable.  When you close your eyes and picture a potato, you picture this.  We all do.  The potato world belongs to the Russet.

Today I walked into a grocery store, wound my way to the produce section, took this picture, and, to the confusion of the worker building pyramids of red bell peppers, turned right back around and left.  I managed not to purchase a potato during this trip.  But I will soon enough.  We all will.  The Russet demands we consume.

Stacked upon dozens and dozens of nameless clones, the Russet peers through your soul.  It knows your deepest desires – chips, fries, loaded baked potatoes.  From Idaho to Ireland, the Russet is an international entity, overshadowing all who would challenge its rule.  The Russet knows all.  The Russet sees all.  The Russet is always there waiting, outlasting any would be health craze or starch challenger.  The Russet crushes all opposition, forever trudging forward in its steady march of spud superiority.

There is no choice but to embrace the Russet.  No one human can rise above the potato empire.  We are all caught in the endless turning wheel of the Russet.  We will buy.  We will eat.  We will rinse and repeat.  This post was inevitable.  The Russet is inevitable.  Our consumption is already a foregone conclusion.

When the sands of time drop their last grain through the hourglass, when humanity has been washed in fires of wind and dust, the Russet will still be there.  Waiting.