Wait, what? We thought he was last seen with one of his wives. Anyways – that’s Jericho… his homebody for life, whose duty it now is to kill all his homeboy’s cubs, and make new ones with his old ladies. Life – right?
There’s something about #CecilTheLion that underscores how white men have treated Africa.
Oh, wait – it’s everything about it.
— Jason is a badass in the Bible (Acts 17) (@crazypastor) July 28, 2015
Yikes… well… i mean… like…
You know when somebody says “I’m so mad, I could cry!”? Jimmy was as close to that as possible in this jokeless monologue. Watch and visit wildcru.org:
Update: Unfortunately the full monologue was removed by Jimmy Kimmel Live due to some “copyright” issue.
I’ve been known for inciting and encouraging ‘caution‘ in engaging and dealing with our Animal Kingdom peers. Those views are in no way, shape, or form represented by the actions of one scum of human existence, Dr. Walter James Palmer of Minnesota. This ass-hat dedicated his assets ($55,000 permit to be exact) to luring, tracking, and illegally killing an alpha-male of a lion pride in Zimbabwe. The 13 year old mane-bearer is none other than Cecil The Lion. Cecil was a famously celebrated manifestation of excellence as tourists from all over the world came to Zimbabwe to see the largest lion on record in his natural habitat. Cecil is basically the real life version of Mufasa. Remember him, the OG who’s son, Simba, eventually succeeded him the throne of pride rock thanks to his mandrill butler therapist godfather? NO?
Now You do! If you missed Lion King, SPOILER ALERT: Simba got back from back-packing in Europe with his new gypsy friends Timon and Pumba, and took care of the family business via a fiery hostile take-over… So to speak.
SNAP BACK to REAL LIFE: MUFASA, Cecil. You know what’s gonna happen to HIS potential Simba, and Nala (btw – they were siblings. Gross, Disney)?
WHOA! PETA, I’m witcha on “extradited, and charged” but… just WHOA. If you’re truly People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, maybe dial down on the murder game, and up on the ethics. That said, since you feel so strongly about it, might I suggest humanely placing this doctor in prison? Except, make it a prison where he’s surrounded by other lions to harass him whenever he drops the soap or doesn’t eat his cornbread. A zoo might be what I’m thinking of. Put him in a zoo.
On another note – as the largest lion recorded, and alpha male of his pride, Cecil was DEFINITELY an African King… of the jungle. That makes this a downright geo-political power grab and potential crisis aided by American financing. The CIA has neither confirmed nor denied involvement in this allegation. Why would they? That’s NOT just forced to support my focus on geo-political issues for the week, either! The American public has come out in droves distancing themselves from this man’s actions with insults that we ourselves at this blog are far too classy to suggest and conjure up. We’ll bring you those tomorrow.
For now a tribute to the one and only, the king of the jungle, father of 6… (soon to be dead, because DAAAAMN that’s kinda awful… ain’t it ethical/humane to save THOSE lil guys for a zoo, PETA?) cubs. Cecil The Great!
HOL’ UP! This TOOLBAG ALREADY had a lion trophy from 2008! He was tryna RE-UP on his COLLECTION of lion trophies??? Phucket, PETA – HAVE AT HIM!
Siya, let’s talk, you and I. Human to human. Man to man. Did you seriously think those lion videos you posted yesterday would hold sway in my mind? Did you really think that would change anything? Did you really think you could scare me with footage of glass imprisoned cats? I know those images terrify you, the clawing, the rampant swiping, the chomping teeth. I know you think of the what-ifs, imagining the horrid crimson slush, the sloshing mop bucket water you’d need to clean those children up should a feral feline break free. I know you have nightmares about MGM title card at night. But you know what I see when I watch those hijacked YouTube clips? Some pretty stupid fucking lions. That’s what.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard your glass shattering paranoia before. But you know what those lions didn’t do? Break that glass! You know what else they didn’t do? Eat those babies! You know what else they didn’t do? ANYTHING AT ALL! You know how stupid you have to be to spend an entire afternoon flatly pawing at glass? How idiotic you have to be to repeatedly smash your face up again the same window over and over again, each time coming up with nothing but air? How downright moronic you have to be to not understand the futility of each failed attempt, rinsing and repeating over and over again like an amnesiac reading the shampoo bottle in the shower? REPEATED IDENTICAL FAILURES ARE THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY. Those lions are some of the dumbest fucking animals I’ve ever seen. Andthat’ssaying a lot.
The video I posted above is a lion hugging a human. Did you watch that? Did you see how harmless those big cats look? Did you cry? ADMIT YOU CRIED. Those warm balls of love are the exact same animals as the ones you think are trying to eat our youth.
{Siya’s Note: Using the late great Whitney Houston’s timeless human-love music for this propaganda? SHAME ON YOU, Ben. SHAME ON YOU!}
Lions don’t want to eat us, Siya. They just want to be loved. So no, I’m not scared of your lions. Because lions are lonely. Because lions are not uprising against us. But most of all, because lions are too fucking stupid to even realize they’re imprisoned behind glass.
We are humans, you and I. Yes YOU, reading this now. We have come a long way from the caves, and through it all we have had to face the wrath of creatures longing to feast upon our entrails. We managed to tame some, and keep others at bay, but make no mistake, folks! Whether it’s today’s cats, or their saber-toothed forefathers before them – coursing in their veins is a longing to fulfill their mandate to dethrone us from the crown of the animal kingdom.
So, when they purr in your laps, they may fool some. When they try to convince us that they’re “just like us” with the aid of OUR human made techno and ice cream, that may convince the more gullible of us. But the REAL humans out there know! Us hard working folks, raising cute babies KNOW the truth. We have staved off this battle of the beasts since our club-wranglin, mammoth-hunting ancestors brought about agriculture to offer these monsters separate but equal portions of this peaceful planet. It’s clear by the videos below, that these cats are anything BUT benign, BEN! In the words of Marvin Gaye (A HUMAN), WHAT’S GOIN ON? SAVE THE CHILDREN!
Ben and Siya Blog Shit 