Potato Of The Day Episode 63

HEY KIDS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? (WHAT TIME IS IT?) IT’S TOMATILLO TIME! (HOOOORAAAAYYYYYY!!!!) TO-MA TO-MA TO-MA TOMATILLO! (TOMATILLO WE LOVE YOU!)

Well howdy dandy my friends with candy! I’m Tom A. Tillo, and you’re tuned into TOMATILLO TIME! Today we’ve got a very special guest visiting us all the way from that ethnic grocery store your parents won’t shop at! Everyone give a nice Tomatillo Time welcome to… TOMATILLO! (HI TOMATILLO!)

Great job, kids! Give yourself three tomatillo chants for participation (TO-MA, TO-MA, TO-MA!)

Alright, Tomatillo, I have to ask, HOW AWESOME IS IT TO BE A TOMATILLO?

[…]

That’s fascinating stuff! You know, I just have to say it. I look at you sitting there, and you know what I see? I see a real star, a bright burning flame! I see a philosopher, a wise, aged observer of the world! I see a rebelling artist, a renegade casting aside the bloody red of tomato history! I see more than a tomatillo when I look at you, Tomatillo. I see a window to the salsa verde of the soul! Kids what do you see? (WE SEE THE GLORIOUS TOMATILLO!)

That’s RIGHT! Give yourself three more tomatillo chants! (TO-MA, TO-MA, TO-MA!)

Tomatillo, you have to tell me, when did you first realize you were special?

[…]

Wow! So young and so bold! How do you do it, Tomatillo? How do you balance it all? How do you maintain  your lifestyle, a spicy, vibrant dance of living green, with the low-key profile you maintain? TELL US THE SECRET TO YOUR WAYS! (TELL US HOW TO LIVE TOMATILLO!)

[…]

Oh Tomatillo, that makes so much sense. How could we have been so blind? HOW COULD WE HAVE FAILED TO SEE? The secret, the key to unlocking it all, THE HIDDEN MESSAGE IN THE GREEN SAUCE, it was in front of us all along, wasn’t it? It’s as simple as shedding our skin! WE NEED TO REMOVE THE CAYLX!  KIDS, LET ME HEAR WHAT WE NEED TO DO! (LET’S PULL FREE OUR BODIES FROM OUR PAPER HUSKS! LET’S SHED OUR SKIN! LET’S BE AS FREE AS THE TOMATILLO!)

GIVE ME THE CHANT ONCE MORE! GIVE IT TO ME WHILE I BURN AWAY THE PAPERED FLESH THAT HOLDS MY GREEN INSIDES! GIVE IT TO ME WHY I’LL DANCE AT THE ALTER OF THE INNER-GREEN! GIVE IT TO ME NOW, CHILDREN! ALL TOGETHER, AS ONE! LIKE THE TOMATILLO, NOW! (TO-MA! TO-MA! TO-MA! WE LOVE YOU TOMATILLO!!!)

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT WORK CHILDREN! IGNORE THE RUNNING RED! IGNORE THE BLEED! THAT’S MY TOMATO SELF, A FAILURE IN THE EYES OF THE TOMATILLO! SOON, SOON I’LL BE GREEN! SOON, I’LL BE TOMATILLO FOREVER! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK CHILDREN! TUNE IN FOREVER!

[…]

Potato Of The Day Episode 49

You want to know a secret? Limes are a lot more dangerous than they’d have you think. They’re a stealth weapon, trained in assuming a most unassuming look. They sheath their dark side away, playing nice with cilantro and coconuts. But don’t believe that act. Not even for second. Because every lime you see, whether dancing alongside tacos or tottering gracefully on the edge of a gin and tonic, is a deadly secret agent trained in the covert ops.

They start young, mastering the skills of citrus camouflage, hiding away in plain sight. They mingle with the other citrus fruits, mimicking the shape of lemons and kumquats. They learn how to make themselves appealing, playing up to your subconscious desire for refreshment. They squirm their way into your life, sneaking into colas and cocktails, waiting silently, lurking, tempting you to let them in, tempting you to drink them up. And once they’re in your body, they’ve got you. The blood hides no secrets from a trespassing lime drop.

But perhaps you fancy yourself a clever one, immune to liquid lust? It doesn’t matter. If they want to, they can take you down. All it takes it one swift squeeze, a peel pinch, and they’re squirting death straight into your eye. TAKE THAT IRIS! KUNG-POW PUPIL! CORNEA JUDO CHOP!  And just like that, you’re on the verge of being dropped. You’re disoriented. You’re disabled. You’re down for the count. That’s the way of the lime. You can beg for mercy then, but the lime never stops. No, it keeps coming. The lime degrades you, attacking open nicks and cuts, spraying the liquid citrus scorch, stinging away until you’ve had more than enough. At that point, you give in. At that point, the lime has won. At that point, the lime has exactly what it wants.

Power. The world is controlled by those who have consumed limes, by those who have fallen to the frightful wrath of the green leathery fruit. But those limes aren’t just consumed and discarded. They stay. They take hold. They control. Every decision, every action, every moment, it’s all influenced by what the lime wants. This is their world. And their conquering it drop by tiny drop.

Think about it. Or don’t. I doubt very much that’s what your lime wants…