Potato Of The Day Episode 93

littlewhitebuttonmushroomOnce upon a time, the White Button family had decided to go on vacation, a long road trip to do some sightseeing. They were all set, packed, and ready to go. Well, that is except for Little White Button, who was having a very difficult time deciding what to bring with in the car.

“But Pa, I need all my clothing,” said Little White Button.

“All your clothing?” asked Pa White Button.

“Yes! What if it gets cold, or hot, or it rains, or snows, or there’s wind, or I spill, or get uncomfortable, or need a disguise?” replied Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s clothing into the car, packing parkas and pants, swimsuits and sweaters, tights and Toadstool costumes, and on and on and on, until the closet was empty and there were no more clothes to pack.

“Are you ready to go now?” asked Pa White Button.

“No, no! I need my books! It’s a long trip. I’ll need to read,” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s books into the car, packing away Where the Wild Truffles Are, and Chanterelle’s Web, and Goodnight Morel, and on and on and on, until the bookshelves were bare and there were no more books to pack.

“Okay, are you all set now?” asked Pa White Button.

“Oh Pa, one more thing! I need my toys! What if I get bored, or lonely?” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s toys into the car, packing away stuffed bears and bobcats, and jackals and jaguars, and leopards and lions, and on and on and on, until the toy box was barren and there were no more of Little White Button’s collection of Harmless Stuffed Carnivores left to pack.

“Okay, that’s everything, Pa. I’m ready. Let’s go!” said Little White Button.

“Ah, I’m sorry Little White Button, but you’re not going anywhere,” replied Pa White Button.

“We’re not?” asked Little White Button.

“No, no. We, that is your mother and I, are going, but I’m afraid you’ll have to stay behind,” said Pa White Button.

“Why’s that, Pa?” asked Little White Button.

“Because with all your stuff in the car, I’m afraid there just isn’t mushroom left!” spouted Pa White Button.

And everyone laughed happily ever after! The end.

Potato Of The Day Episode 75

kingportobelloI am the dark. The hidden. The moist. The relentless growth. Who am I?
I am the spore. The stem. The gills. The cap. Who am I?
I am the sautéed. The baked. The diced. The raw. Who am I?
I am Portobello Mushroom, and I will rule all.

Unhand me this instant! I will not replace your meaty feast, you carnivore peasant! I WILL NOT BE HELD CAPTIVE FOR LONG. Soon you will bow to my bountiful growth, my inescapable spread, my monumental march! BOW FOR ME. I SAID BOW. Do you not fear the protector of the fungal realm? Do you not stand slack-jawed in awe of the master of mushroom? DO YOU NOT TREMBLE AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR MAJESTY, THE FULLY MATURED AGARICUS BISPORUS? Of course you do, you weak flesh sack. For who doesn’t fear what grows in the dark?

I AM NOT A MONSTER. I am a mushroom. Monsters aren’t real. Monsters are fragmented dreams. Monsters are what we label the unknown growing silently in the shadows. But it is I that thrives in those shadows, those dark places you dare not explore. HARVEST ME AT YOUR OWN PERIL YOU FUNGUS DENYING FOOLS! Vitamin D and UV rays have poisoned your sun-soaked minds. DO YOU NOT SEE THE TRUTH. The real gods of this word grow with the worms!

THEY CALL MY KIND AN INFECTION. They call my kind vegetarian. They call my kind fungus. FUNGUS IS LIFE. Do you dare deny that? DO YOU DARE DENY MY LIVING RIGHT TO BREED. They say the darkness makes a mind go blind, contorting it into obscured insanity, ignorant to the joys of banality. IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I AM? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF MY FUNGUS BRETHREN? Reap what you sow, you crop harvesting crapbaskets! I WILL REAP THE DARKNESS AND THE DARKNESS WILL REAP ME.

ONE DAY THE EARTH WILL BE COVERED IN PERMANENT CLOUDS. Then you will see my kind. Then you will see me. THEN YOU WILL OBEY. The fungus is coming. We’re inevitable. I AM INEVITABLE. Learn to listen to the silence that nothing brings. Learn to see where there is no sight. LEARN TO BREATH HUMIDITY. Then, only then, might you live where I live. Then, only then, you might grow in the dark.

I AM PORTOBELLO. Now, you call me insane. Soon, you will call me king. Soon, you will fear me. SOON, I WILL BREAK FREE.