Can someone explain to me just when in the hell we started eating pine cones? Is this a new health fad I missed in between blueberry colonic cleanses and calling crazed carnivorous consumption a diet? Like for real, pine cones you guys? What’s next, licking tree bark? Catching those twirling helicopter seeds in your mouth like a trained poodle? MOWING THE LAWN WITH YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH? Where are we going as a people, huh? What stupid depths of health madness are we succumbing to if we’re willing to do something as stupid as eating pine cones? There’s no possible scientific evidence that pine cones have a health benefit, you guys. They belong in the SOIL, not in our stomachs! Be real, SQUIRRELS don’t even eat those! We’re taking the leftovers of rodents! If suburban rats won’t sniff them, what the hell are we doing munching down those mulch makers? I just… THIS IS ALL VERY CONFUSING AND IT’S STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.
FOR REAL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW IT’S HEALTHY TO RISK A CONIFER GROWTH IN YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACK? ARE YOU PREPARED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE CLEANING UP LOOSE PINE NEEDLES, SITTING ON SCRATCHY BLANKETS THAT BARELY COVER THE POINTY IRRITATION OF YOUR SHEDDED SPRUCE SPURS? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL WHEN YOU’VE GOT AN EVERGREEN HEMORRHOID PEAKING OUT MOUNT ANUS? YOU GONNA DECORATE THAT THING WITH STRANDS OF LIGHTS AND HAND-BLOWN GLASS ORNAMENTS? YOU GOING TO MAKE YOUR HEALTHY, HAPPY JUDEO-CHRISTIAN CHILDREN PUT WRAPPED BOXES UNDER YOUR BUTT? HEY DADDY, HERE’S ANOTHER FUCKING TIE YOU DON’T NEED! MOM SAID YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING A LITTLE HAGGARD LATELY SO SHE GOT YOU A CHAINSAW! NOW KIDS, DON’T RUIN THE SURPRISE. TELL ME HOW THAT’S HEALTHY. TELL ME HOW THAT MAKES ONE SHRED OF SENSE. TELL ME HOW THAT’S NOT A CONTINUATION OF THE SPIRALING SHIT CYCLE OF STUPIDITY WE CALL SOCIETY! TELL ME!!!
WHAT? NO, YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CARE IF THAT’S NOT… oh… you’re saying that’s not a… OH. Umm, okay. Give me a second here.
Sooo… you guys, we’re going to have to postpone this health craze rant for a minute. I just got word that we’re looking at an ARTICHOKE, not a pine cone. This is… well, frankly this is a little awkward now. An artichoke… yeah, that would… that would make a lot more sense. Because that’s a FOOD, and not an inedible seed pod making up a tree’s reproductive system. Whelp, I think we’re done here. Continue on with, uh, not eating pine cones and such. I’ll be over here taking a deep breath.
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