World War Zoo: Man’s “Best Friend” Betrays The Rock’s Cellphone

Folks, this is a new and disturbing turn in the coming war to set a new world order of the Animal Kingdom. You might be worried about the NSA tappin em, but the dogs are coming for your cellphones! 

Fido waited for his deceased master until he finally joined him in a farm up north 2 years later. Anubis guided the ancient Egyptians through the afterlife, and even Barney stood by POTUS Bush as he choked on that pretzel, got in a fist fight with Cheney fell on the corner of a coffee table, and laid unconscious for minutes. But, were all those acts a ruse? Was all this an act to gain our trust, as these barkin ball-catchers gnaw at our suspicions like the pairs of shoes they all chew as lil runts? {I KNOW YOUR JACK TERRIER TORE MY JORDANS, JANET! THAT’S WHY I PAID FOR NOTHING AT YOUR BARBECUE THIS WEEKEND!}

Ben foreshadowed The Rock’s fate a long time ago, and finally started coming to his senses last week, when he pointed out that this new hip breed of Snoop Doggy Dogs is no longer content with compliance of simple orders like “FETCH. SIT. BEHAVE NORMALLY in this stadium full of loud cheering masses surrounding you on what is probably the best turf of your life” . They’re on a bender to run audibles on their plays, and are more unpredictable than ever.  The greatest of our very own humans learned that the hard way this past Labor Day Weekend. We mourn the family pictures and music Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson lost in that mobile phone. Read his horrifying account from his Instagram page:

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A post shared by Dwayne Johnson (@therock)

May The Fourth Be With You: A Reminder Animals Aren’t Uprising, Siya

A brief synopsis for the uninitiated: May 4th is Star Wars Day because, much like this blog, fans of Star Wars enjoy puns. Wait, what pun you ask? Oh wow, you’re REALLY uninitiated, huh? I don’t have time to explain the whole series of films to you. They’re dope. Go watch them. (Yes, even the newer ones dude. Just don’t try to find logic in that shit.) And may (May) the (the) Force (4th) be (be) with (with) you (you), I guess!

What we have above is a cosplaying puppy. Also, what we have here is proof, once again, that animals are stupid. That puppy is cosplaying as an Ewok, a fictional race of teddy bears that fight with sticks and rocks against intellectually superior races of aliens armed to the teeth with technologically superior weapons like moon-sized lasers that can destroy entire planets. A lot of people hate Ewoks. I don’t. I like cute shit, yo. But no one is afraid of Ewoks. Ewoks aren’t something to aspire to. Ewoks, while cute, exist entirely for ridicule and shame.

That dog chose to be an Ewok, Siya. An Ewok! Out of all of the hundreds of options of killers, and badasses, and heroes that dog had to chose from, it chose a teddy bear. Animals are dumb. STOP BEING AFRAID OF THEM.

Counterpoint Continued: Animals, Like Siya, Are Still Stupid And Not Capable Of (Up)Rising

http://i.imgur.com/7InwdsQ.gifv

Before we get started, I want to apologize for posting a GIF instead of the video. Yeah, that’s a long GIF, but the video is longer and has a horrid woman dying mammal screeching constantly in the background. This is one case where you definitely don’t need the sound. If you’re one of those people who just absolutely cannot, for any reason, watch moving images without sound, then consider seeking some psychological help because there are issues there that need to be resolved (and cue up some Benny Hill because this shit is a comedy of errors).

I want you to maintain your focus on the puppy sporting the swank polka dot bow tie. I know that’s hard with all of those other puppies flying around like snowflakes in a blizzard, but the bow tie guy is the one that’s going to prove my point about animals being stupid. Watch how little thought goes into that paw first cannonball, watch the INSTANT regret flood into that puppy’s face as four whole inches of H₂O creep up its fur, and finally, watch its PATHETIC attempt to scurry out of the water. THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T SKIP HIND LEG DAY AT THE GYM YOU ANEMIC ANIMAL ASS.

Siya, stop your scare tactic bullshit about animals. I don’t care about nuclear foxes, or glass smashing gorillas, or frisky pheasants. Animals aren’t uprising. THEY CAN’T EVEN GET OUT OF THE POOL.