Ben’s Diary: Siya Stole My Diary But I’m Not Going To Do Anything About It. Not Yet.

Dear Diary,

Siya stole my diary but I’m not going to do anything about it. Not yet.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Diary, but it’s been a while. Did you miss me? I missed you. Fist bump, bro. I’m sorry about how long it’s been. I couldn’t find you! I was looking all over for you in a frantic haze. I couldn’t fathom how I’d misplaced you. You’re an electronic entity after all, a page in cyberspace. My mind was apace with lighting strikes of horrid uncertainty. Did you set off on your own, sailing away into the electronic ocean, forging ahead to colonize new blogs? Did you stumble off in drunken defragmentation, bumbling into a digital brothel, catching a terminal virus? Or did you simply forget about me, my memory archived along with your location, hidden, set aside indefinitely?

Response: LOL Siya, Those Lions Are STUPID

Siya, let’s talk, you and I. Human to human. Man to man. Did you seriously think those lion videos you posted yesterday would hold sway in my mind? Did you really think that would change anything?  Did you really think you could scare me with footage of glass imprisoned cats? I know those images terrify you, the clawing, the rampant swiping, the chomping teeth. I know you think of the what-ifs, imagining the horrid crimson slush, the sloshing mop bucket water you’d need to clean those children up should a feral feline break free. I know you have nightmares about MGM title card at night. But you know what I see when I watch those hijacked YouTube clips? Some pretty stupid fucking lions. That’s what.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard your glass shattering paranoia before. But you know what those lions didn’t do? Break that glass! You know what else they didn’t do? Eat those babies! You know what else they didn’t do? ANYTHING AT ALL! You know how stupid you have to be to spend an entire afternoon flatly pawing at glass? How idiotic you have to be to repeatedly smash your face up again the same window over and over again, each time coming up with nothing but air? How downright moronic you have to be to not understand the futility of each failed attempt, rinsing and repeating over and over again like an amnesiac reading the shampoo bottle in the shower? REPEATED IDENTICAL FAILURES ARE THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY. Those lions are some of the dumbest fucking animals I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying a lot.

The video I posted above is a lion hugging a human. Did you watch that? Did you see how harmless those big cats look? Did you cry? ADMIT YOU CRIED. Those warm balls of love are the exact same animals as the ones you think are trying to eat our youth.

{Siya’s Note: Using the late great Whitney Houston’s timeless human-love music for this propaganda? SHAME ON YOU, Ben. SHAME ON YOU!}

Lions don’t want to eat us, Siya. They just want to be loved. So no, I’m not scared of your lions. Because lions are lonely. Because lions are not uprising against us. But most of all, because lions are too fucking stupid to even realize they’re imprisoned behind glass.

Ben’s Diary: I’m Going On Vacation And Leaving Siya In Charge Of Our Fledgling Blog But I’m Not Worried About It. I Think.

Dear Diary,

I’m going on vacation this week, leaving our fledgling blog in Siya’s hands, but I’m not worried about it. I think.

Well my long overdue vacation that I definitely should have learned more German for finally starts tomorrow. Long overdue? Yeah. I mean… I work hard. Sometimes. Don’t look at me that way. You don’t know! Oh sure, I don’t ever type a single word for Morning Commutes, but that’s just me letting art speak for itself. Or whatever. [Insert other argument about my productivity here.] (Shit, I should have gone back and edited this. It looks pretty damn lazy when you leave liner notes in the middle of a paragraph.) Okay yeah, perhaps I’m resting on the laurels of a little more than 100 posts. BUT I STILL EARNED THIS, DAMNIT! I HAVE A JOB OUTSIDE OF BLOGGING WHERE I FART SOMETIMES. Are we done with the link dumping yet? Nope! Fuck, it’s exhausting to write like Siya.

May The Fourth Be With You: A Reminder Animals Aren’t Uprising, Siya

A brief synopsis for the uninitiated: May 4th is Star Wars Day because, much like this blog, fans of Star Wars enjoy puns. Wait, what pun you ask? Oh wow, you’re REALLY uninitiated, huh? I don’t have time to explain the whole series of films to you. They’re dope. Go watch them. (Yes, even the newer ones dude. Just don’t try to find logic in that shit.) And may (May) the (the) Force (4th) be (be) with (with) you (you), I guess!

What we have above is a cosplaying puppy. Also, what we have here is proof, once again, that animals are stupid. That puppy is cosplaying as an Ewok, a fictional race of teddy bears that fight with sticks and rocks against intellectually superior races of aliens armed to the teeth with technologically superior weapons like moon-sized lasers that can destroy entire planets. A lot of people hate Ewoks. I don’t. I like cute shit, yo. But no one is afraid of Ewoks. Ewoks aren’t something to aspire to. Ewoks, while cute, exist entirely for ridicule and shame.

That dog chose to be an Ewok, Siya. An Ewok! Out of all of the hundreds of options of killers, and badasses, and heroes that dog had to chose from, it chose a teddy bear. Animals are dumb. STOP BEING AFRAID OF THEM.

This Is Our 100th Post But It’s Not A Good One

WE WENT ZERO TO ONE HUNDRED [REDACTED BY SIYA BECAUSE WE BOTH AGREE I SHOULDN’T BE USING THAT WORD EVEN THOUGH IN THIS INSTANCE IT WOULD BE A QUOTE AND MAYBE THAT’S ACCEPTABLE USAGE, BUT THEN AGAIN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY USE ANY QUOTATION MARKS SO IT’S NOT REALLY A QUOTE IT’S JUST ME CO-OPTING HIP HOP CULTURE WHICH IS ARGUABLY PROBLEMATIC IN AND OF ITSELF,  OR PERHAPS IT’S NOT IF I’M NOT MISREPRESENTING THE CULTURE, BUT EITHER WAY THIS WORD HAS BEEN REDACTED AND TALKING ABOUT RACE IS PRETTY FUCKING COMPLICATED] REAL QUICK.

Can you believe it? We’ve done 100 posts. WE’RE KEEPING IT ONE HUNDRED RIGHT NOW. Bask in our Benjamin Franklin, our centennial, our Billboard Chart. No one said we couldn’t do it! But no one said we could either! So this is an in-your-face to our haters the indifferent masses. We’re going to keep bringing you Potatoes Of The Day, and Ben’s Diaries, and Morning Commutes, and oh, hey there Siya, I was just talking about how we’re keeping it 100, and not all just promoting the regular posts that I write. No, no, Siya, you just keep doing what you’re doing, not posting anything on a regularly scheduled basis. Yeah man, it’s cool. People don’t want or expect consistency. Oh, yeah man that listicle post of Aaron Hernandez memes was… great.  Really, it was totally… high-brow. Oh, what’s that Siya, you think it’s a little unfair of me to be pretending to have a conversation with you? You think I could have consulted you first before posting something about our 100th post? You think maybe you could have contributed to this more if you were actually co-writing this piece instead of having your part ghost-written by me? WELL I THINK YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST SENT ME A HUNDRED CONGRATULATORY 100 EMOJIS FOR OUR 100TH POST YOU INSENSITIVE, CELEBRATION HATING ASS.

You guys, 100 posts. THAT’S A LOT MORE THAN ZERO. It’s also a lot less than a million. THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME SO EMOTIONAL THAT I’M GOING TO GO LISTEN TO SOME DRAKE.