Watch Dallas Cowboys & Rams Switch To Boxing In Joint Practice

Football season is around the corner, and we’ll take just about ANYTHING at this point… anything but those wack pre-season games (Good luck, Tebow). This South African comes from rugby roots (where the rest of the family played that, besides me liking soccer) so, my image of football has ALWAYS been this. Big Men, in costumes BRAWLIN. THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT I PICTURED GROWIN UP.  Sure bone-crunchin hits are here and there –  and sure, Dez, that was a “catch”, and that’s excellence athleticism (Note: Dez caught a quick one in this brawl too). But, if I wanted to see athletes demonstrate their hops and ball handlin skills, I’d watch the NBA.  THIS. IS. FOOTBAAALL! VI-O-LENCE… VI-O… no? Tryna tone that image down? WELP

P.s.
GUYS… guys… we know we’ve been SUPER SPECIFIC about not punchin the quarterback. That’s our bad… Do we need to be more specific about on-field conduct orrr?

Monday Motivation: Super Bowl Champ James Harrison – “Good Ain’t Good Enough, KIDS!”

“Everybody’s a winner in P.E.”, they said. “At least you tried”, you might think. “Get em next time, tiger”, you might have heard. WELL NOT IN THE HOUSE OF 2-time Super Bowl Champ and 5-time Pro Bowler, James Harrison you DON’T!  Maybe its the training camp, and pre-season Summer heat, or maybe that’s just the guy rolls, but when his kids got an all too familiar pat on the back – he was NOT HAVIN IT. He even shared with the world his #HarrisonFamilyValues :
https://instagram.com/p/6aXCJ2JFi5/

In short, WE.Don’t.Play.THAT. Sorry, BEN! Somebody gotta pay for that life-refreshing Pomegranate! The sweet juice of the gods ain’t gonna find its way to your cup on its own. Want the glory of anti-oxidants, YOU BETTER WORK. YOU READING THIS… YES, YOU (guy in the mirror, too)! As this week starts, no matter how long it takes to get to speed, YOU BETTER WORK. EARN IT!

…sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy.

P.s.
As. L.A. Times reminds us: “Harrison was a college walk-on who went undrafted in the NFL and was signed and released several times before finally making it with the Steelers. He went on to become the league’s defensive player of the year in 2008 and is a five-time Pro Bowl selection.” So if ANYBODY can back that kinda sentiment up, it’s this guy.

Are You Mad At Your Quarterback? Here’s 5 Things To Do Instead Of Sucker Punching His Face

Geno Smith, the Jets’ starting quarterback, is officially out 6-10 weeks following the news that he was sucker punched in the face by a teammate, linebacker Ikemefuna Enemkpali. Enemkpali was immediately released following the incident. So it turns out you get fired if you go all Ronda Rousey on the leader of your team’s face. Who knew!

In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation as Enemkpali, here are five things you should, would, and could do instead of sucker punching your quarterback in the face!

Give him a Wet Willy.
Yes, Wet Willies are totally childish, but they’re not nearly as childish as breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. So instead of socking a few teeth loose, why not let loose with a saliva covered finger all up in his ear drum? Isn’t that satisfying? Well you can’t do that if his cheeks have swollen so large they cover his ear holes.

Leave a bag of flaming dog shit on his doorstep.
This is a CLASSIC gotcha gag. It’s also classically less violent than breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. Think about how smelly his shoes will be after he stomps out the flames, getting hot, goopy dog shit stuck in Nike treads! Now think about how he probably can’t smell anything if you force his face to swell up like the Goodyear blimp because you broke his jaw with a sucker punch to the face.

Throw him a surprise party and spell his name wrong on the sign.
The look on his face will be so funny when he sees that you didn’t even take the time to spell check his name! Which is the opposite of the look on his face when you clobber it into a thousand broken shards of jaw bone, removing his ability to emote. Throw parties, not fists!

Make mean memes about him.
AKA pull a Drake. As a Canadian, Drake is stellar at non-violent forms of conflict. So instead of balling up your fist and throwing it at your quarterback, why not pretend to be Canadian? Think about all the funny captions you could put around a picture of Geno Smith. You could write something like “Can’t spell ‘Geno Smith is the quarterback of the Jets’ without ‘INT’”.  But you can’t fit that much text around a picture if the picture is of your quarterback’s moon-sized swollen face.

Drive him into the middle of nowhere, steal his cell phone and wallet, and make him walk home.
You really shouldn’t do this to anybody, but if you’re really, really mad, this is a lot nicer than cratering your quarterback’s face with your knuckle Mjölnir. He’ll be all lost and confused and it might even take him a whole day to find his way home. Which is still 6-10 weeks shorter than the time it would take to heal his pulverized jaw fragments if you sucker punch him in the face. That’s a win for everybody! Especially your quarterback’s face.

Watch Homeless Cristiano Ronaldo Show Us All How Petty We Are

On the streets of Madrid (it’s in SPAIN – GET A MAP), the most recognizable face in soccer got his Uncle Drew on and showed off his skills… but in disguise as a homeless dude. Known for slayin supermodels with a proficiency only rivaled by Hollyhood Superstar Leonardo DiCaprio, Cristiano usually has to fend off suitors. This time, watch what happens when he tries to get a girl’s number in character. Even better is the little fan’s reaction when he realizes…

Hi, I’m A Nerdy Feminist And I Really Enjoyed The Ronda Rousey Fight!

Confession: I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched people pummel each other for five hours and I have no regrets.

Okay, so a little about me for context.

I am a 25-year old female feminist who advocates for survivors of sexual violence 40+ hours a week, indulges in cynical sarcasm, and maintains an unhealthy obsession with my cat as self-care. In my office, rape is lunch talk. Stalking and harassment are casual hallway conversations. I don’t believe we become numb to it, but we accept it as a reality and move forward from that reality.

I spend my day managing a massive schedule of advocates answering our 24-7, statewide crisis line. During my breaks, I catch up on current events, primarily those related to violence against women and marginalized populations (although I wouldn’t recommend saturating your entire day in interpersonal violence). Of recent, my spare moments are spent reading lengthy articles on Bill Cosby’s victims, rich white celebrities opposing decriminalization of sex work, undercover videos of Planned Parenthood meetings, and quotes from Donald Trump’s lawyer claiming you can’t legally rape your wife.

On Saturday, I consumed a different brand of media: mixed martial arts. This consensual form of beating the shit out of someone was… well, incredibly refreshing! Now, I am not usually one to support violence in any form not only because of my advocacy work but also because I can’t stand the idea of people, animals, or fictional creatures getting hurt (I am still traumatized by Bambi and The Fox and the Hound). At first, I didn’t exactly enjoy this male-dominated, arguably misogynistic sport but then an ass-kicking warrior woman changed everything.

Enter Ronda Rousey.

If you haven’t watched Ronda Rousey end the dreams of Bethe Correia in 34 seconds, you need to do that right now.

If you’ve already watched it, then you’ve already witnessed the utterly amazing feat of human strength that was Ronda knocking out Bethe. Now why on EARTH would someone like ME be endorsing one human trying to bash the face of another human? (Please note: My father once invited his three adult children to shoot clay targets with him. I declined, choosing instead to cover the ears of newly born farm kittens because I worried gunshots would surely induce feline hearing loss).

Why? Because this was the first time I have ever in my life seen a bar full of men covered in buffalo sauce anxiously awaiting a FEMALE sporting event. A room full of MEN watching a WOMAN excel in sports. (I am not entertaining the sexualization of the athletes or the influence Ronda’s drop-dead gorgeous body had on the popularity of this fight. That is a dissertation in itself and we don’t have time for that.) I’d like to instead thank Ronda for being bad ass enough to draw attention to her sport in a way that had a room full of people – from college bros to lesbians – yelling  and cheering her on, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or race. Forget the fight, forget the knockout, forget all the spectacle around it. Bringing people together is what’s truly inspiring.

World War Tweef Is Upon Us! Also Some Real Issues, But TWEEFS!

To “tweef” is to hold a public argument (beef) via Twitter tweets or Facebook status updates or any other 21st century petty forum. Watup Instagram.  That’s been what’s in this week, and as of late. It’s ugly, it’s petty, and goes viral fast with retweets, and shares, and likes, and subtweets, and blogs that have the time to cover this nonsense instead of the revolutionary Iran Nuke Deal. We ALWAYS have time to not cover the revolutionary Iran Nuke Deal. Even though we mentioned it 3 times you STILL, won’t look up the revolutionary Iran Nuke Deal! See? YOU DIDN’T. So forget ISIL for a minute, and recognize the one threat to our collective peaceful online order: TWEEFIN. These are the hot spots that have flared up this week, along with some other stuff, BY THE WAY:

Shaq Vs. Scottie

1. Summary:  We covered this one in it’s petty instagram story.Shaq has not officially declared the end, but let’s consider it like the Korea War (technically the war never ended, read a book). Stalemate.

BY THE WAY – speaking of two relatively out of sight giants any word on those TWO MISSING AIRLINES of humans over a year ago, or are we just cutting our human losses there?

Resolution: Can’t call it. But if the most heartless trash-talkers his Airness, and the heir-apparent Kobe get into this – could turn into a full out NBA off-season Tweef. Let this one breath a bit. You’re welcome, ESPN!

Nicki Minaj Vs. MTV Vs. Taylor Vs. Katy Perry

2. Summary:  MTV Video Music Awards announced nominations. The top award is “Video Of The Year”, and Nicki had some racey theories of why she was snubbed. Taylor raced to unwarranted defense. Katy saw the waters splashing in the wishing well, and added her 2 cents. In all discussions and coverage we’ve gotten from this one. The best point is from a tweet reading:

https://twitter.com/sirSLAYSalot/status/623914567257591808

BY THE WAY – Speaking of women in uncomfortable positions… any word on indictments of cops in the uncomfortably suspicious death of Sandra Bland in police custody?

Resolution: Taylor proposed “you can join me on any stage I win”. So Taylor wins, Nicki takes her up on her generous offer to join her on stage… Sooo that she can talk about how racist show that just gave her that award is.. while Taylor awkwardly waits in the background with her moon-man?  Sure America will applaud that move, don’t believe me, Ask Yeezus.
Update: Taylor realized her misstep and threw in the towel

Hey Dude, Don’t Prank The Toronto Raptors On Canada Day!

You know, it seems awfully mean of whoever stealth edited the standard Wikipedia profile for free agent with a capital b Baller, LaMarcus Aldridge today. Didn’t they know that today was Canada Day? It’s a little rude to pull on the heartstrings like that during a national holiday. Don’t tease the possibility of him signing with the Raptors. Sure, he said he’d meet with them. But people are always saying nice things about Canada they don’t mean. Like, “Yeah, my vacation to Niagra Falls was great.” Or “No, it’s not weird at all to have the queen of another country on the front of your twenty dollar bill.”

LaMarcus Aldridge will, in all likelihood, end up as the newest commanding officer on the basketball Death Star that is the San Antonio Spurs. That’s good for him; he’s from Texas. That’s good for the Spurs; he’s a great basketball player. Those last two sentences were strange for me; I never use semi-colons. They were also sad for Canada; the Raptors are not located in San Antonio. Anyway, don’t play mean tricks on Canada on Canada Day. Don’t give false hope to our friendly neighbors to the north. That’s a terrible birthday gift.

Although… maybe that’s not a prank so much a drunken Canadian’s celebratory wish, a crazed idea born in maddening flames like a former Toronto mayor’s pipe dream? If that’s the case, keep doing do you Canada. And happy Canada Day!

UPDATE: But hey, Canada, it looks like you got DeMarre Carroll! That’s not LaMarcus Aldridge, but he does have two letters capitalized in his first name and is a pretty good basketball player!

40 Years Of Practice Makes Perfect! Birthday Tribute To The Answer

You may know him for the infamous “Practice Rant“.  Sure, that might be the defining clip that sports and pop culture has chosen to go with. But, that’s as fitting of a description of the man’s legacy as summing up President Bill Clinton’s two terms in office with the”I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman” clip on loops everytime he’s mentioned.  You’re missing why and how significant the man was to his trade at the time he was active, and the impact he left behind.

That impact resonates to this day in how today’s best NBA Player talks about my favorite of all time pictured above. I’m doomed in 6ixers fandom forever, because of that 2001 Playoffs I watched him, Dikembe, and Larry Brown drag scrubs to the finals against Kobe, Shaq, and Big Phil.  Feel free to instagram search “Allen Iverson” to see the pop culture impact AI had on the NBA image-wise from the cornrows, to the tattoos that today seem all too much the norm.  Watch Russell Westbrook, 2008 Rajon Rondo, and Kyrie Irving (hopefully next season, since he’s out for his first finals) to see guys who have emulated the tenacity, hard-drive, and relentless doggishness of the point guard position.  Like AI – but, perhaps not to such a degree – these guys have paid dearly for that hard play with crippling injuries as they put the team on their respective backs.

That’s what made watching AI exciting to watch night after night (even in regular season).  You knew he left EVERYTHING on the court. Off the court, he was no less influential (perhaps even more).  They changed rules because of this guy- On and off the court. The current dress code banning Timberland boots, do-rags, and fitted hats instituted by then commissioner David Stern? Allen Iverson.  The “Iverson Rule” inspired dribble policy that gave defenders a chance to piece together their ankles? The Answer! Don’t believe me? Ask Jordan, and everyone else who tried to square up against the man.  No amount of practice can give anybody a chance against that.  Jordan is undisputed as a player.  However, the swagger of a ball player as we know it today is ultimately defined by this guy.  That will never be the same. 40 years of practicing it on and off the court made it perfect. Long Live, The Answer!