Obligatory Apple Launch Post: iPhone 6s, Apple Pencil, And Apple TV Siri

In an internal memo, Steve Jobs once wrote:

“Tie all of our products together, so we further lock customers into our ecosystem”.

That ethos and sentiment has been the compass that guided these fanatics back to these product launches again and again, ever since. This is despite late entry and duplication into many ball games (most recently wearables, mp3 players, touch screen mobiles, and on and on).  This has allowed for boring product launches with blase product features, that only become enhanced thanks to a sheepish developer community that writes code facing Cupertino 5 times a day.  Like today’s. Ready? Here’s what you missed:

(S)orta New iPHONES:

Check it out yaaall. BAAACK TO BACK

They’re just like the other ones except faster processor, and better camera. They had access to both technology pieces along, but meeeh! Why not make you wait a product cycle? You’re GONNA buy it.  But, wait! Now with a feature called “3D TOUCH”. Check it out! Might wanna buy a new phone just for it a year before another new one:

ipad pro and APPLE PENCIL:  

This ain’t ya daddy’s iPad prices!

“If you see a stylus, they blew it”

That was Steve Jobs on the prospect of adding a stylus to his iPad manifestation. But, whatever. WANNA SEE IT? I BETCHU DO:

Apple TV now With Siri:

I’m gonna go get a sandwich… maybe some soup with it. Siri, want any before we watch T.V. together? Fine, just have my show cued up. I’m out:

Screw Your Football Team; Let’s Go To The Movies!

Hello again! I hope you enjoyed the summer movie season. Fall is approaching, and with it the return of flying footballs. Since our popular society is built around the sports schedule, it’s inevitably time for football fans around the world to seek out Bleacher Report-sponsored glimmers of hope before that same false hope takes a steaming shit on their face. Like a massive one. Like one of those shits that will start burning through the floor like the acid blood in Alien. All our teams suck.

For the majority of us whose teams are headed for the inevitable disappointing season (and the swelling group that doesn’t give a fuck to begin with), there is hope! Escape to the movies! Fall marks the start of Oscar Season, where studios release potential award suitors alongside their fading summer leftovers, making it the perfect opportunity to hide away from the pains of sport.

Here’s six movies you can use to escape heartbreaking injuries, the annoying dominance of media coverage, and the sound of Siya gurgling Tom Brady’s balls to check for pressure!

DAMNIT, SHIA! Why You Got The Internet Goin’ Nutz?

In case you haven’t been paying attention to this legend, Shia Labouf has been pursuing tutelage in the Fine Arts for the better part of the last two years.  Between silent hour long interviews, his head full of baggy tricks denouncing fame, and general phuckery of the last 2 years culminating in his latest ploy, it’s clear Shia has dove balls-deep into the theatrics.

You just don’t get it. That’s okay, you’re only Human! But, Shia’s got you covered. In his latest project, he fires off some motivation bars that would make Tony Robbins, get up and wrestle Hulk Hogan! Watch the video… JUST DO IT!

So that was a minute excerpt of the 30 minute tirade in front of a green screen. That’s ALL the internet needed. In a matter of hours, we’ve found Shia in some troubling and self-doubting circumstances to give that little push: